• Dork from Ork

I’ve been a confirmed Robin Williams fan since he first came to national attention. Witty, clever, lightning-fast, frequently over the top but with a childlike edge that made it difficult to take offense from his antics.

I’ve been less impressed by his recent motion pictures, particularly the current “Old Dogs” with John Travolta that has, essentially, no reason for being foisted off on a ticket-buying public. So, it was with renewed hope I heard he was back on the standup comedy circuit and was going to talk about it on the “Charlie Rose” interview show on public television.

The “interview,” if one can consider the mutual admiration society hour of insider-comments, oneupsmanship wisecracks and non-stop celebrity fawning by Rose — punctuated by video clips of old Williams appearances on Rose’s show — was a disaster. But, hope springing eternal as it tends to do, I nevertheless made a mental note to watch the upcoming HBO special that Williams recently taped in Washington, DC.

I did. Well, the first 12 minutes, anyway.

After hearing more permutations of the word “fuck” in such a brief time than I thought possible –

fuck, fucking (verb), fucking (adjective), fucker, motherfucker, fucked, fuck you, what the fuck, fuck me, get the fuck out (off, up, away, etc.), unfuckingbelievable, fuck off –

accompanied by no wit, no humor, no insight and virtually no funny lines, it dawned on me: Robin Williams is finished.

We’ve seen it happen to others with a special comedic quality — Chevy Chase during a brief star arc (“Saturday Night Live” and the “National Lampoon Vacation” flicks) before he became a pathetic caricature of himself comes quickly to mind — and it’s always a bit sad to think about. Nearly as sad as performers who don’t know when to bow gracefully off the stage — perhaps to work in another niche, perhaps to avoid tarnishing an iconic career.

Robin Williams, as we know, never has known when to rein himself in. Pity.

• The Queen and the coin

News Item: Government ministers and Queen Elizabeth II’s most senior officials have been heavily criticized by a committee of Members of Parliament for allowing historic buildings on the Royal estate to fall into disrepair.

The Queen will be urged to open Buckingham Palace to the public more often in return for millions more pounds from the government to to pay for a backlog of repairs. It now is open only about 60 days a year.

Some of the grandest state rooms at Buckingham Palace have not been redecorated since the Queen came to the throne in 1952. The palace wiring, which should have been replaced 10 years ago, was installed in 1949. The Royal Mausoleum at Frogmore, near Windsor Castle, which houses the tomb of Queen Victoria, has been designated by English Heritage as “at risk” after part of the ceiling fell in. A large stretch of roof at Windsor Castle and at Buckingham Palace also needs replacing.

Royal Tidbits: The queen has an estimated fortune of $571.033 million, according to Forbes magazine. That is her personal wealth and does not include properties held in trust for the nation, such as Buckingham Palace, Windsor Castle, the Crown Jewels, and the Royal Art Collection are excluded. Also not included in the estimate are her privately-owned properties such as Sandringham House, Balmoral Castle, and the Castle of Mey. The worth of Balmoral alone is estimated at $261.8 million. The Crown Estate Lands also are not included in that estimate. They are said to be worth more than $12 billion.

The Queen’s annual income is about $20.45 million from the Duchy of Lancaster, and the income generated from the Crown Estate land, that had belonged to the royal family since 1066, that generated about $180 million a year, out of which about $65.5 million is paid back to the British government to cover the monarchy’s costs. Thus, she makes at minumum $135 million a year.

• Clowning for PETA

Note to PETA:

If you want to make what you claim is a legitimate point against McDonald’s, don’t use a drug-addled nincompoop as one of your attention-getting frontmen.

Andy Dick, comic actor and frequent participant in drug binges and idiotic public behavior, dressed up as a parody of Ronald McDonald to be part of a PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) protest against the chain for the methods it uses to slaughter chickens.

Make up your own minds about the latest PETA vs. McDonald’s flap. And, if you want to see Dick’s sterling contribution to the dialogue, watch the video.

• Who’s picking the great chefs of Hollywood?

Opinions may change after the release of the much-anticipated film “Julie & Julia” tomorrow, but for now moviegoers’ favorite film chef is a lot smaller than the late 6-foot-2 Julia Child and a lot less likely to be able to consume portions of wine as well as Julia did.

An online poll conducted by Blockbuster Inc. shows 45% of respondents selected Remy the kitchen rat voiced by Patton Oswalt in the animated “Ratatouille” their all-time favorite movie chef. Humans lined up behind him:

2. Kate Armstrong, played by Catherine Zeta-Jones in “No Reservations”
3. John Clansky, played by Adam Sandler in “Spanglish”
4. Babette, played by Stephane Audran in “Babette’s Feast”
5. Isabella Oliveira, played by Penelope Cruz in “Woman On Top”

The poll shows a more current bias than I’d have on my list which would have to include some great oldies:

1. Jacqueline Bissett as the gorgeous Natasha O’Brien in “Who’s Killing the Great Chefs of Europe?”
2. Tony Shalhoub as the temperamental Primo in “Big Night.”
3. Sihung Lung as harassed dad Master Chef Chu in “Eat Drink Man Woman”
4. Hector Elizondo as tastebud-impaired Martin Naranjo in “Tortilla Soup”
5. Steven Seagal as U.S. Navy cook Casey Ryback in “Under Siege”

• Gordon F***king Ramsay

Anyone who has been subjected to Gordon Ramsay’s famously foul tirades, or merely watched them on TV from a comfortable chair, probably has wondered why people don’t call him to account for his behavior.

I know, I know. Much of it is acting out for the TV cameras to increase controversy and drive up ratings. Anyone who has seen his slightly calmer British shows compared to his flaming U.S. versions knows that. But Ramsay is not that good an actor. Much of it has to be his real vinegar-y personality.

Thus, it isn’t terribly surprising that the prime minister of Australia has labeled him a “low life.” Here’s how it came about.

Ramsay was in Australia for a set of personal appearances. He was a guest on the popular talk show “A Current Affair,” hosted by Tracy Grimshaw. He apparently made insulting remarks to another host and a member of the studio’s cleaning staff. The next day, at a food-and-wine tasting event in front of a crowd of several thousand, Ramsay is alleged to have held up a photograph of a naked woman on all fours, with multiple breasts and a pig’s face, and commented: “That’s Tracy Grimshaw. I had an interview with her yesterday. Holy crap. She needs to see Simon Cowell’s Botox doctor.” He also called Grimshaw a lesbian.

Ramsay, 42, at first claimed the insults were “tongue in cheek,” but then issued a public apology. That hasn’t done anything to lessen the furor, especially since unbroadcast footage of Ramsay in the studio makeup room popped up in the Australian media. In it, he makes cutting comments about several staffers, including a make-up artist, a cleaner, and a weather presenter. He is heard to say: “F***ing breath stinking of caffeine. … Christ almighty. … Turn around the other way. I don’t want to see your fat a** that way.”

Grimshaw, 49, described the celebrity chef as an “arrogant narcissist” and a “bully.” She also said, “Obviously Gordon thinks that any woman who doesn’t find him attractive must be gay. For the record, I don’t and I’m not.”

Prime Minister Kevin Rudd said, “All I could describe his remarks as reflecting is a new form of lowlife. I just drew breath when I saw the sort of stuff which was said about her, I just think that’s offensive. Good on Grimshaw for giving him a left upper cut.”

This isn’t Australia’s first run-in with the salty Scot. Last year, when an episode of his “Kitchen Nightmares” show was broadcast, showing Ramsay using a four-letter expletive more than 80 times in 40 minutes, a flood of complaints prompted a parliamentary review. That resulted in instructions to TV networks to review the way they rate programs.

Given Ramsay’s rampant boorishness, it probably would be better to investigate why people annoyed or offended by such behavior — real or enhanced for show biz — bother watching any of his shows in the first place.

• Marilyn, before her time

Back in the early ’70s, I was a senior editor at the now-defunct Baltimore News American. As the funky, feisty counterpart to the staid establishment paper The Sun, of H.L. Mencken fame, our newsroom was the target of any pitchman who had something to sell and was looking for a frayed-collar newspaper eager to one-up The Sun.

Thus, we were immune to the blandishments of the average pitchman. When the circus came to town, we didn’t much care how many contortionists and sword-swallowers they trotted out in front of us. We even ignored the racist presidential candidate George Wallace when he came to our area to make a speech as part of his presidential campaign — and, thus, missed having a first-hand report when he was shot by a would-be assassin.

But, there was that day in ‘73 when a fresh-faced young model and would-be actress visited the newsroom to hype her new X-rated film, “Behind the Green Door.” The fact that a few days earlier we as a group had just ignored a tiger being paraded on a leash through the newsroom by his trainer only underscored the fact you had to have something very special to sell to get our attention.

Marilyn Chambers had that.

The lovely, blonde 22-year-old from upscale Westport, CT, had just hit the news by appearing virtually simultaneously as the pure-as-snow mom on a box of Ivory Snow detergent and the incredibly raunchy star of the porn film “Behind the Green Door,” which shocked the world not only by displaying the enthusiastic debauchery of a pretty girl but the then-taboo sight of sex between a white woman and a black man. It had come out in 1972, the same year Linda Lovelace caused quite a stir in “Deep Throat.”

Everyone in the 150-plus person newsroom that day, men and women alike, stopped what they were doing when Marilyn and her agent walked in to meet the newspaper’s entertainment editor. There was something utterly mesmerizing about her, not just because many of us had seen her nude, active and as splayed as a human being gets in front of a camera, but because she was truly beautiful of face, lithe of form and graceful of movement. That tiger had nothing on her, which was a fascinating situation since the Baltimore of those days was known as a haven for strippers, raunch clubs and a live-and-let-live attitude.

Marilyn never made it beyond that sort of notoriety, not even when she twice ran for vice president of the United States on the ticket of something called the Personal Choice Party in 2004 and 2008 and not even with bit parts in such mainstream films as Barbra Streisand’s “The Owl and The Pussycat” (1970) and “Rabid” (1977). She wound up doing sleazy X-rated and R-rated flicks and Cinemax-style series, bloated and unattractive and an object to be pitied. It was difficult to see the downward spiral.

Then came word the other day that she had been found dead, three days shy of her 57th birthday and largely forgotten by most people.

Marilyn Ann Taylor, her real name, was found in her Los Angeles mobile home by her 17-year-old daughter, McKenna. The county coroner said the cause of death, while under investigation, did not seem to indicate foul play.

In an online chat with AdultDVDtalk.com in 2000, the thrice-married Chambers attempted to explain what caused her to take such a radically different career path after her mainstream movies and straight modeling work.

“Back then in my naive brain I was thinking that something like ’Behind the Green Door’ had never been done before, and the way our sexual revolution was traveling I really thought it was going to be a stepping stone which would further my acting career,” she said. ” … There will always be a stigma on people who do adult films. It’s unfortunate that that’s the way society has made it.”

Given how society, cinema and sexuality have changed over the past three decades, the Marilyn Chambers of the ’70s would barely cause a ripple these days.

• A shoe-in

What is it about international politics and shoes?

Back in the prime of the Cold War, Soviet Premier Nikita Khruschev was prone to whipping off his shoe and banging it on his desk during United Nations meetings to emphasize his hatred of the US. Now, during George Bush’s farewell tour of places he’s screwed up, the almost-former president had two shoes thrown at him by an Iraqi journalist during a press conference. (Video here of the attack and Bush’s reaction to it.)

But those are not isolated instances of shoes and politics being strange bedfellows. Consider these tidbits:

• Imelda Marcos earned worldwide ridicule when, as first lady of the Philippines, she collected literally thousands of pairs of shoes while much of her country’s population was dirt poor.

• Tony Blair attributed his long success in UK politics to his lucky shoes.

• Bush warhawk Paul Wolfowitz made a brief stir when he doffed his shoes while visiting a Turkish mosque and revealed his ratty socks had holes in them.

• Sarah Palin’s wardrobe came under scrutiny when it was learned the Republican National Committee re-outfitted her and some of her family to make them look more presentable to voters. However, her aides pointed out that her red Double Dare Naughty Monkey shoes were paid for out of her own pocketbook.

The lesson here may be that if you decide to go into public life, decide on your choice in footwear before you take that first step.

• Avoiding the huddled mass

Emma Lazarus’ immortal poem “The New Colossus” is inscribed on the Statue of Liberty in New York Harbor. It reads, in full:

Not like the brazen giant of Greek fame,
With conquering limbs astride from land to land;
Here at our sea-washed, sunset gates shall stand
A mighty woman with a torch, whose flame
Is the imprisoned lightning, and her name
Mother of Exiles.

“From her beacon-hand
Glows world-wide welcome; her mild eyes command
The air-bridged harbor that twin cities frame.

“Keep ancient lands, your storied pomp!” cries she
With silent lips. “Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!”

Nowhere do I see any mention of admitting just any out-of-stater who has done little or nothing for the people of New York yet wants to use the state’s faded but still-revered political platform for their own personal political gain.

However, that’s what we keep getting. Bobby Kennedy, born, raised and schooled in Massachusetts, took advantage of New York’s liberal activists to grab a U.S. Senate seat as one step in his run for the presidency. Hillary Rodham Clinton, a Midwesterner with no fixed address, suddenly decided to become a New Yorker when it was convenient and a Senate seat was available.

Now we have another Kennedy, this one Caroline, daughter of John F., who thinks it might be kind of nice to take Hillary Clinton’s place as New York’s junior senator. The difference is that she’s lived much of her nearly 51 years in the Big Apple.

But who, besides the usual behind-closed-door maneuverers, asked her to be senator? She has done zero for the state as a whole, offers virtually nothing but the Kennedy name (as did her cousin Patrick who decided he wanted to become a congressman from Rhode Island and has served with a remarkable lack of distinction along with some embarassing late night escapades).

True, Caroline Bouvier Kennedy (her husband is Edwin Schlossberg, but she doesn’t use his surname) was born in Manhattan, and has spent her professional life as attorney/writer/education fundraiser working mostly there, and even served with distinction in some appointed and private roles, but she has never before shown a public interest in governance and certainly has no experience in the field.

Will she get what she wants, if it truly is what she wants? Kennedy offspring certainly have a way of having things fall in their laps. And it didn’t hurt that her first public presidential endorsement of anyone but her uncle Ted Kennedy was for Barrack Obama. It wasn’t just any old endorsement, either. It was one sure to resonate with the receiver of the praise, a man whose influence certainly extends already into the Governor’s Mansion in Albany from which the Senate appointment will be issued. To wit:

“I have never had a president who inspired me the way people tell me that my father inspired them. But for the first time, I believe I have found the man who could be that president — not just for me, but for a new generation of Americans.”

Caroline Kennedy may be one of those rare younger Kennedys, someone qualified by temperament and intelligenece for public service at the highest levels. However, starting at the top rather than letting those of us she seeks to represent in Washington, DC, see what she can do on a municipal or state level seems a bit too dismissive of the public and its growing distrust of government by cronyism.

What is it about the Kennedy clan that gives them such a sense of entitlement? And what is it about the power brokers who think that in a state of more than 19 million people we can’t find a single interested, qualified person to fill the remainder of Clinton’s unexpired term when she vacates the seat to become secretary of state?

Insensitive.

Insulting.

Indefensible.

• Captain Jack-In-The-Box

Since my youth I’ve been a science fiction fan. Good sci-fi, that is.

Like things written by Isaac Asimov, Ray Bradbury, Arthur Clarke and others of that immortal ilk. Or, the current version of “Battlestar Galactica.”

I especially like the low-tech BBC series “Torchwood” and “Doctor Who,” which exhibit a childlike version of the genre while dealing with all sorts of grownup moral, ethical and scientific topics, both allegorical and metaphorical. But I doubt I’ll ever watch either one the same way again.

That’s because John Barrowman, who stars on “Torchwood” as Captain Jack Harkness and has a recurring role as the same character on “Dr. Who,” thought it was a fine thing to do to expose his genitals on a live Radio 1 show in the UK that also was video streamed over the Internet. The incident aired Sunday night.

It happened when show host Nick Grimshaw said to Barrowman, “You’re famous, we’re told, for getting your willy out in interviews. Is this going to happen today? Should Annie (Mac, the show’s co-host) be careful?”

Barrowman then asked if the webcam was on, and when told that it was broadcasting live video, said, “All right, I’ll get it out for you then. No problem.”

According to the BBC, the show’s producer moved to obscure the webcam, but listeners and viewers heard Mac screaming “Oh, my God!” as Barrowman and Grimshaw laughed.

Barrowman then was heard to say, “I didn’t take the whole thing out, but I got my fruit and nuts out.”

Ewwwww!

Barrowman, in the grand tradition of English stiff-upper lipism, later said, “I apologize for any offense I have caused. I was joining in the lighthearted and fun banter of the show and went too far. I was wrong to do this, and it will never happen again.”

Unfortunately, every time Captain Jack pops up appears on screen from now on, the incident will replay to the delight of many voyeurs disgust of many viewers.

• Never mind what she said, here’s what she said

Queen Sofia of Spain has reached the ripe old age of 70, had been princess of both Denmark and Greece before that (royal intermarriage and in-breeding, you know) and has routinely been at the top of the heap in public opinion polls in Spain.

However, she apparently hasn’t learned that the key to popularity is not telling people what you think. As a journalist of long standing, I can attest to the fact that frankness is guaranteed to annoy at least half the people who hear or read your expressed thoughts.

In the case of this particular monarch, she gave a series of interviews to journalist Pilar Urbano for the book “The Queen Up Close.” She apparently didn’t clear what she said with the royal household (i.e., hubby King Juan Carlos and his ministers and opinion shapers) even though she and her people had the opportunity to review the book’s text before publication.

A few of her observations that have created consternation among certain slices of Spanish, and indeed non-Spanish, society:

• While she respects people’s different sexual orientations, she does not understand why “they should feel proud to be gay. … That they get up on floats and parade in the streets? If all of us who are not gay were to parade in the streets, we’d halt the traffic in every city.”

• While gay people have a right to unions with one another, they should not call them marriages.

As a result of the public indignation, some real and some play-acting, a spokesman for the royal family said the queen “deeply regrets that the inaccuracy of the comments attributed to her may have caused discomfort or offense.”

Note that there was no retraction of her comments, only finger pointing at the writer. Typical government spin no matter what country is doing it. And typical Spanish macho attitude that tries to keep men in firm control and women behind the scenes. After all, King Juan Carlos is the same guy who was unrepentant after publicly saying to controversial, motor-mouthed Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, “Why don’t you shut up?”

Olé!

• Who you gonna call? Booze hustler

At first I thought Dan Aykroyd was working on a new bit for a guest spot on “Saturday Night Live.” Many of us remember when he did a lot of con artist/pitchmen put-ons during his “SNL” heyday, and this seemed much like those skits.

But, no, with either total disregard for veracity or with tongue firmly planted in both cheeks — or even all four, the actor/singer/entrepreneur is spieling for a new vodka called Crystal Skull and in an online ad delivers a very long, very rambling, very self-impressed monologue about mysterious crystal skulls found in different parts of the world. He also throws in mentions of Roswell, witchcraft, ghosts and other stuff.

He eventually stops talking and lets a colleague describe the Newfoundland vodka — quadruple distilled, triple filtered at the suggestion of one Mr. Akyroyd through “500-million-year-old crystals known as Herkimer diamonds.”

For those unfamiliar with that particular mineral, it’s a faux “diamond” found in upstate New York around the Herkimer/Utica/Syracuse area. It’s OK for costume jewelry but of no particular value otherwise.

This isn’t the Canadian star’s first venture into pushing an alcoholic beverage. In June of last year, he announced plans for the $12 million Dan Aykroyd Winery to be built in the Niagara wine area. Part of it will house memorabilia from his film and TV career. The project also includes a line of wines bearing his name.