• Paper Wait, Part 3

Yet another missive from my friends at the U.S. Census Bureau, a little edgier in tone than the previous letters, but still with a lingering hint of friendliness.

They still would like my cooperation — even if they swear they don’t know who I am since I was “randomly selected” — in completing a lengthy form they call “The American Community Survey.” Oh, and they remind me I still am required to do this bit of homework under penalty of law, thank you very much.

As a freethinking American, I remain curious what will become of the information they are demanding requesting from me, under penalty of law.

And, once again, they are spending my tax dollars to harass encourage me to divulge all sorts of private information about me and my spouse. Although they want to know all about everyone who lives in my house, I think I’ll risk withholding information on The Other Beings who co-habit our space. I don’t want to get their tails and whiskers all a-twitter over the indignity of Big Brother prying inquiring into our lives, under penalty of law.

In this latest communication, I am told that information coerced from elicited from me, under penalty of law, will help my government plan — in addition to the aforementioned “new schools, hospitals, and fire stations” — “programs to reduce traffic congestion, provide job training, and plan for the healthcare needs of the elderly.”

All good things for a government to be doing. And to do so, I suppose I’m being unnecessarily intelligent stubborn in asking what these survey questions have to do with those topics:

• How many times have I been married?
• How many times has my spouse been married?
• How are the two people in the household related to each other?
• What are the household residents’ ethnic origins?
• When did the residents move into the current residence — you know, the one that has been selected “at random” to interrogate quiz, under penalty of law.
• What is my monthly condominium fee, if applicable?
• Has anyone in the household ever served in the miltary?
• What kind of work do the residents of the household do?

I could go on, of course, but at this point I don’t see how the responses to any of these questions can help my government plan for “new schools, hospitals, and fire stations” or create “programs to reduce traffic congestion … and plan for the healthcare needs of the elderly.” Even under penalty of law, nothing occurs to me.

Another troubling item is the declaration in the latest letter that “The Census Bureau is required by U.S. law to keep your answers confidential.” That is about as vague a statement as you can get, unless the Census Bureau has, while I was sleeping, been assigned the task of planning the nation’s highways, running the health care system, handling public safety programs, and building new schools. The information it is demanding requesting, under penalty of law, obviously will be shared with someone outside the Census Bureau. Many someones, no doubt.

I wonder if there will come a day I receive a letter telling me the Census Bureau has cross-tabulated all of my answers having to do with my finances with those I have filed with the Internal Revenue Service and telling me they aren’t precisely the same — even though I wrote the world “estimated” on my “American Community Survey” form. That surely will tell me whether the Census Bureau, under penalty of law, actually kept my information confidential.

• Poor menu choice

Equality under the law seems to be merely a suggestion when it comes to the various governmental entities in New York State and the restaurants in their jurisdictions.

In the few counties in which calories must be listed on menus it’s only the companies with 15 or more outlets that are affected.

Now, Gov. David Patterson says he is thinking of introducing statewide legislation that would require owners of 15 or more restaurants in the state to post calorie contents on menus.

Such a move would apply to foods available in restaurants, supermarkets and convenience stores that have 15 or more locations in New York.

While I have no inherent objection to such information being made mandatory — after all, it is on food and beverage labels for products sold in the state, and one quick visit to a shopping mall will give you visual proof that we are, indeed, a nation of ridiculously fat people in need of dietary guidance — I do have a problem with the exceptions that would be a built-in feature of such rules.

For example, celebrity chef/restaurateur Bobby Flay would be exempt. So would New York City restaurant czar Drew Nieporent and his myriad Restaurant Group partner, the actor Robert DeNiro. Likewise exempt would be Danny Meyer who owns such Manhattan hot spots as Union Square Cafe, Gramercy Tavern, Tabla and Blue Smoke. None of them owns 15 or more restaurants.

Need more? How about such Upstate restaurant moguls as Angelo Mazzone, who owns Angelo’s 677 Prime in Albany, the Glen Sanders Mansion in Scotia and Aperitivo Bistro in Schenectady?

Or the Serroukas family who own restaurants in Hyde Park, Brewster, Guilderland, Rhinebeck, Poughkeepsie and Wappinger Falls.

Or Peter X. Kelly, who owns the Xaviar Restaurant Group which has places in Garrison, Yonkers, Piermont and Congers.

However, Bill Pompa, who built the Mr. Subb sandwich shops chain in the Capital Region, would be stuck changing his menus. The reason? He’s worked hard and smart enough to build his chain to 24 units.

The disparities can be found all over the state without looking much harder. If the governor truly wants to do something to assist the state’s consumer in making wiser food choices, he’d be better advised to avoid creating loopholes and controversy along with them.

• Paper Wait, Part 2

Not only have I now received another Census Bureau letter concerning “The American Community Survey,” I also received a questionnaire I am informed I must fill out and return, under penalty of law.

It tells me information gleaned from the survey will be used to help plan “where new schools, hospitals, and fire stations are needed.”

To accomplish this, the Census Bureau is demanding to know how many times each member of my household has been married.

Hmmm.